September 21, 2018 was the last audio recording I took before I was able to leave my toxic marriage.

I had been recording our “fights” which were more like gaslighting and belittling lectures from Taylor on how I wasn’t good enough. I had to constantly prove to him over...and over...and over again that I cared, deeply loved him and always thought of him.

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I secretly started recording our 2-4 hour long fights to figure out what was wrong with me. They were psychologically, physically and emotionally exhausting. I was constantly confused and felt as though I could do nothing right. I was losing my memory due to his gaslighting that there were days I couldn’t remember what had happened. The only area in my life I could really remember was my clients and their personal lives. The counseling office was the place I felt sane and safe.

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Being a couples therapist, my job was to see the destructive cycle couples get stuck in—distinguish the pattern of chaos and help the couple transition into a new vulnerable way of communicating. I was good at my job. I knew it. My couples knew it. I helped numerous couples create a safe haven and have the relationship they envisioned, but somehow I couldn’t help my own.

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Taylor constantly told me that I wasn’t getting it, I wasn’t understanding him and that something was wrong with me. So, I decided to start recording our fights to see what my part was, see where I was wrong, see what I couldn’t see, see if I was crazy like he told me and then change my interaction to make our relationship work.

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As a therapist, I’d video record my couples sessions to break down their pattern, see what I’d miss and enhance my therapeutic skills. I wanted to do the same and see what my part was in the destruction of our communication. I wanted to own up to whatever I was doing so that we could live in peace—all I wanted, because I was dying inside.

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Taylor refused therapy and I was banned from asking him repeatedly to go. He thought it was pointless since I was the one that needed fixing. Over our years of marriage I’d beg him to stop physically hurting me so we could actually go to therapy, as I knew we couldn’t.

I knew that was a significant red flag, but I had this hope...this hope deep down inside that we could fix it, we could make it work.

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I made a commitment.

And, I don’t give up easily. If I’m determined about something, I’ll keep trying till it works—welcome to the world of my athletic mindset.

You. Keep. Trying.

You don’t give up, you persevere. I learned this from my father.

And…marriage is a commitment, so you better figure it out and make it work.

“I’m a couples therapist...I HAVE to make it work. That’s what I do for a living.”

My job was to understand why people behave in the manner that they do. I have the training! 8 years of school in psychology and therapy and all I longed for was a secure, loving, emotionally attuning relationship of my own. I just wanted him to be tender and loving, I didn’t think that was too much to ask.

But, this was the last recording. Upon listening to this “lecture” a few days later, I wept. I wept for hours because I knew I needed to get out to save my life. I knew I wasn’t crazy, just being brainwashed. And, I was able to fully hear it.

I was done.

I’d counsel women who were in or out of abusive relationships. And I was in the midst of one. Living one. Living in complete fear and anxiety. I knew their suffering very well. I knew all the signs— the apologies, honeymoon period, empty promises and emotional manipulation; I couldn’t be stuck in that chaos anymore.

Once I made the decision I needed to leave, I opened up to Micaela and had her listen to this last recording. She became physically ill from what she heard.

Validation...hit me right in the face.

So... as I said I would express with you more important days that followed, this was an incredibly significant day which propelled me to move forward in saving myself and emotionally coming to terms that I couldn’t save my marriage and I couldn’t save Taylor. It took a few years to realize that no matter how hard I tried, rationalized his abusive behavior, suppressed traumatic memories and understood him through an attachment lens, it just wasn’t enough. Being married to a narcissistic and physically abusive individual led me to the point of planning my own suicide, and that in itself was enough to call it quits.

I needed to be honest with the full scale of the abuse, stop rationalizing and hoping one day he’d change, listen to what I’d tell my clients, fall madly in love with myself, find my inner strength and dignity again and save it. I needed to save Chelsea.

So...what a day... what a day!! And what a day to celebrate! 🎉💕

With Love,

Chelsea Brielle💕

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